After being separated for over two years, my divorce was eventually finalised last month. Dont worry, this is not going to be about running my ex into the ground, like so many of the forums seem to want to do.
After scouring the net looking for information for after divorce, I couldnt really find anything I felt was pertinant to me on a personal level, so I thought I would jot down a few things that I went through in the hope to inspire and even help others in the same situation.
I struggled for years on the right thing to do when I could see my marriage was on the rocks. No matter what I did or what I thought, I knew deep down that I didn't want to be there but felt that I didnt want the stigma of being viewed as the one that broke down the family,
and more so, I was worried what reaction I would get from the extended family. Also I didnt was to upset my two children and tear apart their world so I held on and I held on.
Finally the time came when I couldnt stand it any longer. Both myself and my ex agreed that we should separate. I told my extended family and was pleasantly surprised by the support I received from them all which was a hugh relief and a big weight off my shoulders. At this point I was still very concerned about the effect all this would have on my children.
My son was not the problem as he was old enough to understand what was going on and after discussing things with him, I knew I was doing the right thing. My daughter on the other hand was a different kettle of fish. Initially she was ok and seemed to understand a little of what was going on.
We all decided that when I moved out of the family home, my daughter would stay with her father (my ex) to minimise any disruption for her.
Looking back, the only regret I had was that I hadnt done this sooner and that I should have put a little more planning into what would happen once I moved out so my daughter could have been with me.
The reasons for the separation were many and varied but the main thing was that my ex had cheated on me on more than one occasion.
During the next couple of years, things between my ex and myself got steadily worse (if that was possible!) and he endeavoured to make my life as miserable and as hard as possible. He is a very maniulative person and he managed to turn my daughter against me which was absolutely devastating. He would intercept her phone and tell her that I had not bothered about her which was totally untrue and he made it impossible to see her.
Why not get a court order I hear you say. Well at the time things were pretty tight money wise and costs of covering solicitors fees was just not possible.
Things just seemed to be going from bad to worse. The main thing that helped me through all this was my amazing new partner Chris and my son Jason. They are definitely my rock and my shoulder to cry on ( and I shed many a tear in the early stages). Chris kept me focussed and supported all my decisions. Another thing that helped me was the support of my family.
During much of the last two years, I let myself get caught up in my ex's battle, letting him still press all my buttons that would fire me up. This caused me no end of stress and unfortunately meant that I started to take out all my frustrations on Chris.
It was only when I sat down, took a much needed step back from the whole situation that I realised that I needed to re-evaluate my life and my goals. I needed to move on and no longer let myself keep being manipulated by my ex.
Then, like a blinding flash, I came across the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. While I was reading this book, it made me realise what I was doing and where I needed to be. What I was doing was holding on to the past which prevented me moving forward. I was becoming too focussed on things that had happened and kept reliving the negativity and prolonging the bad feelings. I immediately changed the way I was thinking and I finally began to see things clearly.
I could see that I had been focussed on 'getting one up on my ex' instead of moving on and becoming a better person, not allowing myself to get into any more fights with the ex., and ultimately setting a good example for my daughter.
I seem to be a much more relaxed person now than I was a few years ago. The key to surviving the separation and subsequent divorce is having the support of your family and being able to talk openly rather than bottling up the feelings and frustrations. Even if you think you are going through all of this by yourself, you are not. Try to take a step back from the situation and know that you are not a bad person. There are professionals out there that do a fantastic job in councelling and helping you through this mine field and can point you in the right direction to help you achieve a good and positive approach to the obsticles in your life.
Remember, its not about where you have been, its about where you are now and being able to see how you can turn things around, let the little things be the little things and live for the moment. Life is far too short not to make the most of every single moment.
In your deepest, darkest moments, just remember you are not alone and as hard as it may seem, you have to remain positive. Dont waste your energy on focussing on the past like I did. Everyday, tell the people you care about that you love them and most importantly, tell yourself that you are loved and feel the love around you, and yes, things do get better - if you let them!
Please feel free to leave a comment about this post and even comment about your experience of separation or divorce.
After scouring the net looking for information for after divorce, I couldnt really find anything I felt was pertinant to me on a personal level, so I thought I would jot down a few things that I went through in the hope to inspire and even help others in the same situation.
I struggled for years on the right thing to do when I could see my marriage was on the rocks. No matter what I did or what I thought, I knew deep down that I didn't want to be there but felt that I didnt want the stigma of being viewed as the one that broke down the family,
and more so, I was worried what reaction I would get from the extended family. Also I didnt was to upset my two children and tear apart their world so I held on and I held on.
Finally the time came when I couldnt stand it any longer. Both myself and my ex agreed that we should separate. I told my extended family and was pleasantly surprised by the support I received from them all which was a hugh relief and a big weight off my shoulders. At this point I was still very concerned about the effect all this would have on my children.
My son was not the problem as he was old enough to understand what was going on and after discussing things with him, I knew I was doing the right thing. My daughter on the other hand was a different kettle of fish. Initially she was ok and seemed to understand a little of what was going on.
We all decided that when I moved out of the family home, my daughter would stay with her father (my ex) to minimise any disruption for her.
Looking back, the only regret I had was that I hadnt done this sooner and that I should have put a little more planning into what would happen once I moved out so my daughter could have been with me.
The reasons for the separation were many and varied but the main thing was that my ex had cheated on me on more than one occasion.
During the next couple of years, things between my ex and myself got steadily worse (if that was possible!) and he endeavoured to make my life as miserable and as hard as possible. He is a very maniulative person and he managed to turn my daughter against me which was absolutely devastating. He would intercept her phone and tell her that I had not bothered about her which was totally untrue and he made it impossible to see her.
Why not get a court order I hear you say. Well at the time things were pretty tight money wise and costs of covering solicitors fees was just not possible.
Things just seemed to be going from bad to worse. The main thing that helped me through all this was my amazing new partner Chris and my son Jason. They are definitely my rock and my shoulder to cry on ( and I shed many a tear in the early stages). Chris kept me focussed and supported all my decisions. Another thing that helped me was the support of my family.
During much of the last two years, I let myself get caught up in my ex's battle, letting him still press all my buttons that would fire me up. This caused me no end of stress and unfortunately meant that I started to take out all my frustrations on Chris.
It was only when I sat down, took a much needed step back from the whole situation that I realised that I needed to re-evaluate my life and my goals. I needed to move on and no longer let myself keep being manipulated by my ex.
Then, like a blinding flash, I came across the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. While I was reading this book, it made me realise what I was doing and where I needed to be. What I was doing was holding on to the past which prevented me moving forward. I was becoming too focussed on things that had happened and kept reliving the negativity and prolonging the bad feelings. I immediately changed the way I was thinking and I finally began to see things clearly.
I could see that I had been focussed on 'getting one up on my ex' instead of moving on and becoming a better person, not allowing myself to get into any more fights with the ex., and ultimately setting a good example for my daughter.
I seem to be a much more relaxed person now than I was a few years ago. The key to surviving the separation and subsequent divorce is having the support of your family and being able to talk openly rather than bottling up the feelings and frustrations. Even if you think you are going through all of this by yourself, you are not. Try to take a step back from the situation and know that you are not a bad person. There are professionals out there that do a fantastic job in councelling and helping you through this mine field and can point you in the right direction to help you achieve a good and positive approach to the obsticles in your life.
Remember, its not about where you have been, its about where you are now and being able to see how you can turn things around, let the little things be the little things and live for the moment. Life is far too short not to make the most of every single moment.
In your deepest, darkest moments, just remember you are not alone and as hard as it may seem, you have to remain positive. Dont waste your energy on focussing on the past like I did. Everyday, tell the people you care about that you love them and most importantly, tell yourself that you are loved and feel the love around you, and yes, things do get better - if you let them!
Please feel free to leave a comment about this post and even comment about your experience of separation or divorce.
